


If My Ass Was a Time Machine

by DiqazonQueen



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Plus gifs, So many similes, Time Travel, Weird, really fucking weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 03:07:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15621174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiqazonQueen/pseuds/DiqazonQueen
Summary: I can't accurately summarize this.





	If My Ass Was a Time Machine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unicornsfartglitter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicornsfartglitter/gifts).



By Emma S. (me) & Tasha H.

* * *

 

It was late at night, and Daryl was lying in the cupboard under the stairs, listening to Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne getting it on. This went on for hours and hours every night before they finally would get exhausted and pass out, and Daryl was often sleep-deprived because his housemates were so loud and horny. It was the reason Daryl always had ginormous bags under his eyes, and he was seriously considering going on the hunt for some BB cream.

Eventually, the sex noises stopped, but Daryl wasn’t ready to go to sleep, even though it would be the best course of action if the ménage à trois decided to start up again, which was a rather common occurrence. Daryl wanted to stay up so he could practice his songs because he would be performing at the big upcoming festival between all of the communities.

Daryl squatted down, really trying to get in the zone, closing his eyes like he was meditating and/or taking a doo-doo. As he concentrated, he felt musical energy flood his entire being, from his head to his heinie. He started moving his leg as though it was the whammy bar of a guitar, trying to get the perfect tone.

Then, it happened.

Daryl’s tushie revved up like the intro to “Kickstart My Heart”! His ass started going insane as played his original song, “Rectum Rockets”, from his upcoming debut album of the same name. It was death metal, so it was extremely loud and intense, and Daryl would even fly into the air for parts of the song, headbanging, as rockets and fireworks came exploding out of his caboose. He couldn’t practice this in the cupboard, but(t) for his outdoor performance at the festival, he planned on using his assplosives to fly as high as he could in the air, and then his derrière would produce a beautiful fireworks display for the grand finale of the concert.

For this rehearsal, he was able to make it through the songs “Assquake”, “I Doo-Doo Fire”, “Dastardly Derrière”, and even his cover of Van Halen’s “Eruption”, which he called “Assruption”, before his behind really started to burn. He didn’t think much of it at first – a sore tush was a natural side-effect of assplosives, and he could always steal some soothing ointment from Siddiq’s medical trailer if things got too bad.

However, just as Daryl was about to start his masterpiece “Rectum in the Stars”, his whole body was engulfed by white-hot pain!

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” he screamed, sounding like Robert Plant in “Immigrant Song”. Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne finally rushed into the cupboard, having been roused from their slumbers by Daryl’s agonized shriek. They thought they heard an animal howling in there, too.

Strangely enough, they had slept through the last hour of Daryl performing death metal songs with his rectum. Threesomes really tire people out.

“What’s the matter?” Michonne asked.

“You sounded like you were giving birth!” Rick added.

“Daryl, you _are_ giving birth!” Siddiq pointed at the mass that was coming out of Daryl.

“Holy shit, is that --” Michonne started.

“A dog’s head?” Rick burped.

Daryl groaned in pain as Siddiq yanked the canine out of him. It was a large dog, at least 70 pounds, and appeared to be a German shepherd mix. It put its paws on Daryl’s heaving chest and licked his face.

It was the start of a wonderful friendship.

 

Daryl was far less lonely in the cupboard under the stairs now that he had his doggie friend, Four Legged Death Punch. He wanted to train his pet to perform alongside him at the festival, but he was quickly running out of time.

“Corpsegrinder, sit!” he told the dog the night before the festival. The big shepherd plopped down on his haunches and wagged his tail, looking at Daryl with a lolling tongue.

Daryl and Cannibal Canine trained together for a little bit longer before Rick yelled, “Daryl, suppertime!”

Daryl gave the dog a pat on the head before exiting the cupboard and making his way to the dining room. He was happy that Rick was inviting him to eat at the table, because normally Rick would deliver his meals to him through the cat flap in the cupboard door. Daryl could count on one hand the number of times he had dined with Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne, and they were all special occasions.

Rick seated Daryl and served him a bowl of some kind of stew.  As Daryl lifted a spoonful of the dish to his mouth, he noticed specks of green mixed in with the stew meat.

“Are those jala--” Daryl started, but he was cut off as Judith, sitting in her booster seat, lobbed a Barbie doll at his head.

“EAT THE FUCKING STEW!” she roared, going full Shane as her brown eyes flashed red. Daryl, trembling in his own booster seat, obliged and started shoveling spoonfuls of stew in his mouth, his eyes watering as he consumed jalapeño after jalapeño. Rick, Siddiq, Michonne, and Judith all watched him eat, looking very enthralled.

When Daryl was finished, he already knew he was going to have a bad time with jalapeños and assplosives both in his gut, dueling for dominance.

“It was delicious,” Daryl finally croaked out.

They all said goodnight and returned to their rooms, Daryl cropdusting the air with heinous jalapeño fumes from his heinie as he stumbled down the hallway toward his cupboard.

“What the fuck is that smell?” Rick said shortly after, standing naked in his bedroom as a horrible, spicy, burnt rubber, rotten egg, dead body odor invaded his nostrils.

“Smells like death, and jalapeños.” Siddiq was naked, too, apart from a stethoscope and latex gloves. He was dousing a jalapeño pepper in K-Y.

There was some kinky shit afoot.

“You should go check, Rick,” Michonne suggested as she put on her leather corset. “These jalapeños will still be waiting for you when you come back.”

When Rick stepped foot into the hallway, it didn’t take him long at all to find the source of the nauseating stench.

Daryl was sprawled on the floor, unconscious, and rancid green fireworks were sparking out of his pasty white ass like a malfunctioning Fourth of July display.

Rick decided it would be best to put Daryl outside to sleep for the night.

* * *

 

It was the morning of the festival between the communities. While Daryl rehearsed with his electrifying caboose in the cupboard under the stairs, Rick was up spitting bars in preparation, performing for Siddiq and Michonne in their bedroom after many vigorous three-way sex sessions. It was their nightly routine and their way of keeping fit. He chose to practice “3-Way Spectacle” first, for obvious reasons, followed by “Weak Pull Out”, “Michonne Slays Me”, “Headboard Bang”, and “Ceiling Holes”.

Afterward, his lovers clapped for him and said in unison, “You’re ready, baby.”

“Thank you, Ricky Dicky Doo Dog Grimes is ready to rock the house down,” he replied before kissing them and getting up to get ready.

 

Rick couldn’t contain his excitement. He couldn’t wait to get up on that stage and drop his beats with his boombox like he was the coolest kid on the block. He went to get Daryl so they could go off and practice on stage together before the audience arrived. Daryl as just as excited as Rick. He was so proud that his magic derrière spewed out a new metal talent, so he held hands with Rick and they skipped to the stage like it was their first day of school.

After getting ready and practicing, the crowd started rolling in like they were a sea full of walkers. Ezekiel called out to everyone and announced, “Here ye, here he, the mighty festival is upon us! This grand spectacle is powered by Duracell and brought to you by our two favorite post-apocalyptic brothers: Daryl ‘The Firing Keister’ Dixon and Ricky Dicky Doo Dog Grimes, blessing us with their new albums and talents. Let’s give them a round of applause.”

Rick was up first, doing the worm onto the stage, before bowing to the crowd and blowing kisses to his two lovers.

“Are you ready to rock up in here, my fam?” he called.

The crowd screamed in approval.

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” Rick belched before gesturing to Father G to drop some beats and turning on the boombox.

 

“I present to you all, Disco Bat,” he said with a smile as big as when he blows his load. He proceeded to spit his way through his raps from the album, including “Mind Fuck”, My Life is Better than Yours”, “One Badass Mofo” (which was his personal favorite), and “Michonne Slays Me”.

“Hell yeah, this queen does!” Michonne shouted after that last performance.

Them raps were then followed by, “Pump n’ Axe”, “Ceiling Holes”, “Headboard Bang”, and “Worm It Like You Mean It”, for which he did the worm all over the stage like he was hugh af on Diqazon and was having an out-of-body experience.

Eventually, Rick got up and said, “I’ve got money moves.” He rapped “3-Way Spectacle”, before topping it off with “Weak Pull Out”. He finished the song with the final verse, “ _Yo yo yo, this is Ricky G in da house. I’m the king zombie slayer who’s a two-way love maker, I got weak pull out so thousands of babies come out, some conjoined and some singular, but black or curly-haired, they’re all heartbreakers. I’m the leader of Alexandria which means I’cxm the GOAT so don’t mess with me or I’ll slit your damn throat. Respect me and I’ll respect you back, but come for my queen or my doctor lover and you’ll find your ass outta here on the helicopter. Peace._ ”

He dropped the mic and did the Michael Jackson crotch-grabbing pose before ending his performance by turning around and trying to twerk for his lovers, and everyone else who was watching, not that his twerking was anything remarkable, as he had no ass.

 

Now, it was time for Daryl to perform. He took a deep breath as he mounted the stage, hoping that last night had emptied him of fartiworks.

“This is my first song, Rectum Rockets!” he announced to the audience as his behind started to produce the opening riff, sounding like Dave Mustaine shredding in a Megadeth song.

Daryl’s first ASSlectric guitar song went on without a hitch, and he was feeling confident about the rest of the show as the crowd clapped for him. He went through a few more of his original songs before he decided to do a rendition of the second solo from “Comfortably Numb”, much to everyone’s amazement.

By now, his ass was indeed comfortably numb, but he soldiered through the rest of his set list, up until the grand finale.

“I hope you’re ready for this!” Daryl yelled, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. His intestines were poppin’ again. The audience whooped.

Daryl started shooting upward like a rocket taking off, a couple squeaky farts escaping his sphincter, but nothing that signaled imminent disaster. When he got as high up in the air as he possibly could, he felt ready to let loose.

With music, of course.

His ass released a barrage of notes, one set of tuplets after the other. The song was going so fast that he hoped no one would notice that his indigestion situation was causing him to skip notes. Daryl finished the song and geared up for the fireworks display, but a big green boomer burst out of his rectum and into the air without warning!

“Shit!” he yelled. His adoring audience, reduced to dots below him, started coughing and gagging. Daryl was humiliated, but his ass continued to pop out smelly green fireworks without interruption. After only a few minutes, the atmosphere was smothered by a thick, sulfur-infused blanket. Everyone on the ground was choking, as was Daryl, and he did the only thing he could think of to try to remedy the situation.

It, of course, was the worst idea ever.

A quick spurt of fire came out of Daryl’s butt, and it immediately came into contact with the sulfur cloud. The resulting explosion was powerful enough for everyone to be blasted into space.

Literally.

“Everybody, hold hands!” Daryl yelled out. It would be the best way to make sure everyone stayed together and no one drifted off into oblivion.

Rick didn’t hear Daryl’s voice, though. He was being pulled into an opening among the stars.

“Rick!” the entire group cried, looking toward the vortex helplessly as Rick got sucked into another dimension like Veruca Salt down the garbage chute.

“Not to worry! We will rescue Rick later!” Daryl assured the group, floating in the middle of their Kumbaya circle. His tummy was starting to roil and flip again, like constipated Elvis on the toilet before his toxic megacolon made him fall to the bathroom floor and die. Daryl then turned upside down in the air due to the lack of gravity. His assplosives were controlling his body.

“Daryl, are you okay?” Michonne asked. Daryl couldn’t answer her as his heinie was having an out-of-body experience. He normally had a good grasp on what he could expect with his assplosives, but they were throwing him for a loop today. His ass creating a sonic boom and launching everyone into space was just the beginning.

Daryl’s firing keister was about to birth its own galaxy.

As Daryl grimaced and rotated in the air, Siddiq wondered if he had spiked everyone with Diqazon again and forgotten about it, and if this was just a really bizarre acid trip, because

 .

There was no Diqazon involvement this time, though. This was really happening. They were, in fact, in space.

At first, only a little bit of stardust exited Daryl’s rectum.

“Make a wish, everyone,” he grunted out as a shooting star came flying out of his backside. The shooting star was followed by enough stars to make several constellations. He farted more stardust, and a meteorite popped out.

Daryl wasn’t done yet, though. He started straining, and the group, still holding hands as they orbited around him like planets around the sun, didn’t have a clue as to what was about to happen.

Daryl screamed like a woman in labor as the first planet made its way out of his magic, out-of-this-world derrière. It was only a dwarf planet, though, and he was in for a world of hurt as five larger planets arrived in his rectum-turned-birth canal.

“You know, I’ve seen some weird shit as an emergency resident,” Siddiq commented as a planet the size of Earth came shooting out of Daryl’s abused tushie like a super-sized projectile, “but I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“You don’t say?” said Michonne.

Daryl continued to shriek like a little girl as he birthed three more large planets in rapid succession. However, he was feeling very proud of what his heinie was accomplishing. Only one more planet remained in his colon, but it was the biggest one yet.

Daryl was getting tired, and he didn’t know if he had enough energy for this last planet to be delivered.

“Come on, Daryl, you can do it!” Siddiq encouraged.

“Take big deep breaths,” Michonne suggested.

Daryl panted and bore down, but the planet only moved a few inches.

“Daryl, you have the most powerful behind in all the galaxies in space,” Siddiq told him.

“We believe in you,” Michonne solemnly added.

“OH JESUS!” Daryl yelled as the planet popped out of him halfway.

“I’m right here,” Jesus said from the space Kumbaya circle.

Daryl screamed so loud that Rick heard it in the other dimension as the last planet finally exploded from his galactic caboose. All six of Daryl’s planet-babies were now orbiting around Daryl along with the rest of the group.

As Daryl’s rectum contracted and returned to normal, it sang a faint “Kumbaya”.

* * *

 

After Daryl’s electric caboose went into overdrive and sent everyone into space and Rick into an alternate universe, Negan felt the full force of the redneck’s magic derrière after it blew his cell door to smithereens. He was free, so he took the opportunity to escape. He didn’t have a clue on what the shit happened, and he was even more dazed and confused after stepped outside to see the destroyed Alexandria Safe Zone looking like a ghost town, with tumbleweeds drifting everywhere.

Negan caught wind of the festival going on from eavesdropping – again – on conversations outside his cell window, so he decided to go to check it out. When he got to the stage, he looked around like John Travolta in “Pulp Fiction”, wondering where the fuck everyone went. He then noticed a bright light coming through the rubble of the stage carnage, so he moved some debris out of the way and uncovered what looked like an anomaly.

It was so bright that it made Negan’s life flash before his eyes and everything around him light up like when the Doctor regenerates in “Doctor Who”.

 _Cool_ , he thought to himself, beaming a wicked smile that filled his whole face like the Cheshire Cat. He jumped into the light and started spiraling in multiple directions.

*cue Doctor Who theme music*

 

Negan thought that he would be taken straight to where everyone else was, but the anomaly was malfunctioned due to the sheer power of Daryl’s rectum rockets after they mixed with jalapeños, causing a chemical reaction that made it seem as though an atomic bomb erupted, so Negan found himself on the doorstep of a cathedral.

“Sisters, we have a new one,” Sister Mary Beth called out.

“What the shit!?” Negan shouted as the nuns dragged him inside.

“We’re gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap to stop that utter filth of language coming out,” said Sister McPhee, sternly.

The experience was life changing for Negan. Sister Mary Eunice spanked him and shaved his Moses beard off and the other sisters gave him a habit to wear before they sent him to prayer to repent. The man had an epiphany and was happy to be called “Sister Negan” from there on out. He was so good and well behaved that another anomaly appeared, showing Daryl and everyone together, and they all appeared to be riding dinosaurs in the prehistoric era.

It was time for Negan to go.

“I’ve only got two words for you…bless you,” he said to the nuns.

 _Hot diggity dog,_ he thought to himself, and off he went to find the others…still dressed as a nun.

 

Rick was drifting through another dimension. He was walking through the clouds, and he saw butterflies, zebras, moonbeams, and fairytales. He wondered if Siddiq had slipped him some Diqazon yet again and if he was hugh af.

“Rick!” somebody called to him. He was now in a forest in the middle of nowhere. He thought he saw Aaron riding on the back of an enormous blue caterpillar.

“Rick!” the voice said again, pleadingly. Dwight then appeared from some bushes. Eight toddlers were following him like ducklings with a mother duck.

“HUNGRY! MUST FEED! HUNGRY! MUST FEED!” they chanted in unison. They all latched onto Dwight and dragged him down like bears mauling a zookeeper. They shredded his shirt with their razor-sharp fingernails, exposing eight nipples on Dwight’s chest and torso. They started to suckle greedily like eight little Dementors draining their father of his soul.

As they fed, Dwight looking dead inside because he had now fully resigned himself to his fate, Rick noticed that the toddlers’ names were inscribed on their diapers: Barry, Carey, Gary, Mary, Larry, Perry, Terry, and Dwight Jr.

 _Who the fuck names their kids Gary and Larry nowadays?_ Rick thought, forgetting that his children were called Carl and Judith.

“Father!” another voice cried. A figure toddled toward him on four legs. It was a pair of twin toddler boys, conjoined together. The twin on the left, with his bright blue eyes, was the one who had said Rick’s name, and looked very happy to see him. The twin on the right, with big brown eyes and fluffy black hair, stuck out his lip and made the same exact face Siddiq would make when he got pissed off.

“You suck, Diq Jr!” Rick Jr. exclaimed.

“That’s not my dad!” Diq Jr. replied. The twins started to beat each other up with their wild flailing octopus limbs.

Rick slowly backed away, only to fall down a rabbit hole, Alice-style.

Amidst all this, he thought he heard Daryl scream like he was giving birth.

* * *

 

One of the planets Daryl had birthed from his out-of-this-world caboose was giving off a bright light that was almost blinding the group. They were still orbiting aimlessly, but then they started to pick up speed until they were spinning so fast it was like they were in the Starship 2000.

“I’m gonna be sick,” Eugene burped.

“Please don’t,” Rosita said; she was having a flashback to Eugene spewing sardine mac n’ cheese all over her.

Suddenly, the planet with the flashing light made a noise like a TARDIS and pulled everyone through an anomaly. They all traveled through time until they arrived in the prehistoric era!

Daryl landed crotch-first on a dinosaur’s back. His heinie was still burning from his planet expulsion, and now his diq hurt like a motherfucka. When he looked around, he saw that everyone else was riding on dinosaurs, too. Just then, Daryl’s dinosaur hit a bump and sent him flying over its head and into the butt of the dinosaur in front of him!

“What the fuck, Daryl?” Siddiq said. Daryl’s entire body was lodged in the dinosaur’s rectum, apart from his feet.

Siddiq hopped off the poor violated T-rex. This wouldn’t be the first time he’d had to fish foreign bodies out of orifices, of course.

“Daryl, kick your feet if you can hear me,” Siddiq told him. Daryl kicked his feet.

“Daryl, you are going to need to use your assplosives to remove yourself from this dinosaur’s anal cavity, or we will have to pull you out by your feet, but you will risk suffocation and/or really pissing off this dinosaur.” Siddiq gave Daryl’s foot an experimental yank. The diqosaur growled.

“Everybody, back up! These assplosives are about to open fire!” Daryl shouted from the T-rex’s colon. By now, everyone was crowding around the diqosaur to see this newest mess that Daryl had gotten himself into. They all moved several feet away so they wouldn’t get blown to pieces by Daryl’s assplosives.

Daryl started to rev up his rectum like he was about to perform a face-melting asslectric guitar solo. The air was filled with a combination of the diqosaur roaring and Daryl’s metal jalapeño caboose mimicking an Iron Maiden song and a rocket blasting off as Daryl came shooting out breech from the diqosaur’s cloaca. He landed with a thud on the ground, but got up and did the sign of the horns.

“FUCK YEAH!!!” he yelled.

Everybody clapped for Daryl, but it turned out that his assplosives had dislodged an anomaly from inside the diqosaur, and the ball of light plopped out from under its tail like a turd. Just as everyone was about to jump through the anomaly, a figure cloaked in black robes tumbled out from the T-rex’s behind. The person rose to their feet, dressed head-to-toe in a nun’s habit, but the group quickly realized who the newcomer was.

“Negan?!” everybody cried.

Negan tried to talk as high-pitched as possible, like he had just inhaled helium. “I’m Sister Negan. I have redeemed myself.”

They all looked at him, not buying it. Siddiq made his infamous Diq face.

“Hee hee,” Negan giggled. They were all still staring at him like in a Mexican standoff. Suddenly, Daryl knocked Sister Negan out with a frying pan that he pulled out of his ass, and the group scooped Negan up as they jumped through the anomaly. Rick would have to see this when they finally located him.

* * *

 

“Oh fuck, go back!” Jesus exclaimed as they all realized where the anomaly had taken them. It was 1969, in New York, and they were at the Woodstock festival. Hippie men and women were swarming toward Jesus and his long luscious locks like moths to a flame.

“One of us, one of us,” Hippie 1.3 mumbled.

“Is that Jesus Christ?” Hippie 5.6 was shocked.

Hippie 4.7 reached out to touch Jesus’ hair. Jesus panicked and jumped in Siddiq’s arms like they were Scooby-Doo and Shaggy.

“Alright, everyone, find that anomaly!” Siddiq ordered, struggling to carry a traumatized Jesus, who was latched onto him like an oversized toddler. “And stay together,” he added.

After a few minutes, Siddiq’s arms were starting to go numb, so he asked Jesus, “Can I put you down now?”

“Nah.”

“Okay.”

A moment or two passed before Siddiq spoke again.

“Jesus?”

“Mmm?”

“Is that an anomaly in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

“I’ve found it!” Michonne announced. She extracted the anomaly from Hippie 3.8’s tangle of dirty, pot smoke-scented hair, and off they all went.

Everybody successfully got the hell out of Woodstock, except for Eugene. The hippies loved him and his hair and begged him to stay, so history changed and Eugene Porter was at Woodstock. Unfortunately, since Daryl’s assplosives malfunctioned the anomalies, Eugene was forced to spend eternity at Woodstock.

* * *

 

After Daryl’s latest anomaly malfunction, the group found themselves at a bingo hall with a bunch of pensioners, looking old themselves.

 _Wtf_ , Daryl thought to himself.

“What the shi...” Negan started, but everyone looked at him to make sure he wouldn’t swear, so he finished, “….shizzle.”

Michonne was giving Daryl the side eye and Siddiq was looking pissed.

 

    

The two of them just wanted to find their man.

 

Weirdly enough, there was an old guy, looking just like Bad Grandpa, sitting in a mobility scooter and spitting bars for a crowd.

Siddiq looked at Michonne and Michonne looked at Siddiq. They both turned to look at Daryl and said, “Is that…”

“I don’t know.” Daryl just shrugged his shoulders as the rest of the group looked on in confusion.

All of a sudden, they heard the man shout, “Ricky Dicky Doo Dog Grimes!” with hundreds of old women gushing around him.

“Yep, it is!” they all said in unison. Michonne wasn’t too happy about Rick’s new admirers, and fair to say neither was Siddiq. Rick was theirs, so they both went over to see him.

“Hey!” Siddiq shouted. Old man Rick fell off his mobility scooter in shock.

Meanwhile, Sister Negan had caught the attention of a bunch of old drag queens and they were all chatting each other up.

“Hey!” Rick said back, jumping over the table and hugging Siddiq like his life depended on it. “You all found me.”

Michonne was busy beating up the other old ladies like there was a hot bargain going on at Walmart.

Rick went, “That’s my girl,” before picking her up and eating her face as if he were a facehugger from Alien.

“How’d you end up here?” Daryl grunted.

“Your bloody machine-gun-ripping arse!” Rick said. “I felt like Doctor Who traveling through time; it sent me here.”

Father G rolled over to Negan in his mobility scooter while the ex-leader of the Saviors was chatting with some old drag queens. Gabriel was glad that Negan had made a positive turnaround in his life, and he wanted to congratulate him on joining the convent.

When Sister Negan turned around to look at Father G, something unexpected happened. They immediately fell in love with each other.

Several little red hearts materialized and surrounded the priest and the "nun" as they gazed into each other's eyes, and a choir of angels started singing. They both had visions of riding their scooters together through a meadow, reading the Bible together, and removing their dentures to eat romantic candlelit dinners together.

Just then, an old man stoner, smoking pot out of a pipe, approached Rick and his companions, who were all still conversing about Daryl’s magical time-traveling ass, like they were Sisterhood of the Traveling Ass.

“You lot wanna join in on some bingo?” he asked. “It’s that time of the hour again.”

They didn’t really have a choice since all of the other seniors were sitting at the bingo table and staring expectantly at the newcomers like a collection of china dolls. To say the least, it was uncomfortable, so sat down they did. Except for Negan and Father G, because they were too busy performing a duet of “With You I’m Born Again”.

Rick started racking up the numbers, but every time he thought he had bingo, he belched as loud as he could.

It was pissing all the other pensioners off, so they started revving up their mobility scooters.

“Er, Rick?” Michonne said.

Rick turned around in his own mobility scooter. “Ah, don’t worry. This happens every time and I always win.” He kissed her cheek and revved his own scooter up. Once again, old people battle royale was about to go down, but with mobility scooter bumper cars.

 

Everyone joined and started ramming their scooters together. Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq triple team sandwiched the old twins who kept trying to chat up Rick. Their scooters tumbled over, bringing the old women to the floor.

“Take that, bitches!” Michonne said before flicking her hair with her hands like the queen she was. Jesus used the power of the Lord to light up as bright as heaven and blind a bunch of the old people, causing them to crash their scooters into the wall. All hell broke loose!

Daryl was too focused on the bingo game to pay them any attention, though. He needed the moment to rest his hot potato firing keister of an arse. He was counting his numbers and loudly shouted, “BINGO!”. It was so loud that is was audible through all of the anomalies. The sheer power of his voice frightened an old man so much that he grabbed his heart and died right then and there. The man just happened to look like Rick, so they were all breaking down. Siddiq tried chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth CPR and Michonne tried the kiss of life. Usually, their combined efforts were sufficient, but this time it was useless. However, nobody realized that the sheer force of Daryl’s voice freed him from his jalapeño-filled rectum and set up another anomaly, though which the real Rick saw an image of Alexandria. Rick hadn’t hesitated and was off like Road Runner before anyone knew he was gone.

“We have to go,” said Daryl, with his ugly crying face like when he saw Merle as a walker. Michonne and Siddiq picked up the corpse of their lover “Rick”, several of the other group members accompanying them as they jumped through the anomaly. Jesus had to grab Sister Negan as he was too busy saying the Hail Mary to his new friends, but they followed the others through the anomaly.

Daryl looked back and said, “Well, at least I got bingo, and Bingo is his name-o,” before jumping through himself. The anomaly was closed and Daryl being freed of his jalapeño caboose turned everyone back to normal and ready to throw a funeral for poor old “Rick”.

* * *

At the ceremony in Father G’s church, Daryl and Jerry were the first ones up to pay their respects to Rick.

“For my brother,” Daryl whispered. His ass was about to go metal, once again. Jerry started to play the opening notes to Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” on his kazoo. Daryl hoped that the Rick, wherever he was, and the crowd in the church would both appreciate his rendition of a beautiful and heartbreaking acoustic ballad.

“ _Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?_ ” sang Daryl’s emotional keister in a death growl.

Everybody dabbed their eyes at this touching tribute to Rick Grimes. Jerry’s trusty kazoo and Daryl’s Metallicass were working together, and it was so beautiful.

“ _And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven_ ,” Jerry played on his kazoo as Daryl flew all the way up to the ceiling, using his assplosives. Daryl finished the song by mooning the audience and producing a beautiful display of blue fireworks from his rectum that rained down to the floor like teardrops. The audience clapped and sniffled.

It was Siddiq’s turn next. Michonne said, “Go get ‘em, tiger,” and slapped him on the ass as he made his way to the stage.

Siddiq knew Allah would disapprove of him if he did a striptease at Rick’s funeral, but it was too late to go back now. He felt like Danny Gokey in American Idol when he knew deep down it was a bad idea to do Steven Tyler’s scream in “Dream On”, but he did it anyway.

“Hit it,” he told Father G.

Father G turned on “Super Freak” by Rick James.

“DANCE, DIQ, DANCE!” Michonne shouted, like in Little Miss Sunshine.

Siddiq was ready to go full Magic Diq. He started to gyrate like Robert Plant during “Whole Lotta Love”. He was going to shimmy right out of his funeral suit. He removed his tie and threw it at the audience.

Jesus was trying not to pearl jam himself at what he was watching. Siddiq was going nuts in the front of the room like Kim Basinger stripping to Joe Cocker in 9 ½ Weeks, and everyone else was Mickey Rourke. _What the fuck kind of med school did he go to?_   Jesus thought as Siddiq started “doing the worm” on the church floor in honor of Rick, if doing the worm involved a disproportionate amount of pelvic thrusts and floor-humps like Prince humping the stage.

Soon, Siddiq was only in his fashionable funeral pants. He whipped them off, revealing Rick’s face on his undies! Everybody gave him a standing ovation, apart from Jesus, Daryl, Aaron, and various other male mourners who were currently questioning their sexualities; they had liked Siddiq’s performance more than they anticipated.

 

After Siddiq’s spectacular striptease, Michonne was up next. On the way to the altar, Siddiq whispered to her, “Go shine as bright as a star, baby,” and kissed her on the cheek.

She did just that, grabbing the microphone and bringing a flock of doves to her with the sheer, beautiful power of her voice. She was covering Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” because she never loved anyone as much as she loved Rick. She reached the last chorus and belched in his honor before belting out, “ _AND IIIIIIIEEEEIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVEEEE YOUUUUU OOOOOOHHHHHIIIIII WIILLLL ALWAYS LOVEEEE YOUUUUUU!”_

Michonne’s performance ended with the flock of doves lifting her up while she sang the jaw-dropping final note, before elegantly putting her back on the ground. Everyone was gobsmacked! They all fell to their knees like Wayne and Garth in “Wayne’s World”, praising her like they weren’t worthy, and everyone worshipped her like the queen she absolutely was.

After Michonne finished, only one thing could top her performance, and that was Sister Negan dressed as a nun, ready to go full-on Sister Act on everyone’s arses. He was going to sing “I Will Follow Him”, and he meant this, because being with the sisters had changed him into a better man. He realized he was just a poor man’s Rick Grimes and had a lot to learn.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,” he said with the accompanying action, before placing both hands on the microphone. He started singing high and soft, like a little schoolgirl at choir practice, “ _I will follow him, follow him wherever he may goooooooo._ ” Siddiq’s glasses shattered as a result.

“For fuck’s sake, man, not again!” The handsome doctor made his infamous mad Diq face, standing in just his underwear with his hands on his hips. Negan felt his dinky twitch in his habit.

The birds that were with Michonne all exploded into thin air like Daryl’s assplosives were a laser beam.

Negan finished that part and was ready for the big finale. He turned around, jiggling his body, flaying his hands like he had salad fingers, and stomping his feet like he was about to have a seizure right then and there before singing as loud as he possibly could, “ _I love him, I love him, I love him, and where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow_ ,” and doing the splits to top it off. Negan was tall and very bendy, after all.

Everyone gave him a round of applause which made Negan cry – again – like a little girl.

They finally…finally appreciated him.

 

 

“Did I miss anything?” A familiar voice suddenly rang through the church. The real Rick Grimes strutted through the door! He was balancing his boombox on his shoulder. Daryl’s dog, Fuckslayer, trailed behind him. Siddiq and Michonne ran up to Rick and he grabbed them both, one in each arm, and they all started making out like they were a human version of Ben & Jerry’s Vanilla Caramel Fudge ice cream. Everyone else was watching and they all started to feel their doodas get aroused.

Eventually, they all had to come up for air, and Rick embraced the rest of the group. He turned on his boombox to drop another sick beat.

 _“I’m Ricky G, the king of the ZA, which means this bitch will never die, okay_ ,” he rapped. _“I’m the leader you all need to keep you strong and tough, you’ll always survive with me, and that should be enough. I love you all, you are all my family, so let’s celebrate me living by having a huge Daryl-inspired assplosive party.”_

And party they did.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are Rick and Daryl's album covers! https://i.imgur.com/vtuuSIe.png https://i.imgur.com/VcHs9mD.png
> 
> That Walmart gif is actually my (Emma's) grandma at Walmart, backing up the cart! No joke!


End file.
